Poem 131- American Movies

American Movies

Have you never seen an American film?

Possibly from the 1980s,

About love or young people and the obvious ways to show regret, care and a longing for continuation.

Either you have never seen a film of this kind, divorcing you from most common relationship structures set up in the last 30 year by real issues high lighted by a telly box.

Or you have and you know what people usually do but you find it; 1) too cliché, 2) to much effort, 3) not a relationship you value sufficiently to put any of these methods in to practice for.

I knew our upbringing was different, mainly because you consistently told me it was, but this is shocking and it hurts.

Poem 130- Assumptions

Assumptions

I have come to the conclusion that you definitely don’t love me and you probably haven’t since a little after that post card from Liverpool, or that card with the sweets on or that day lying on the grass in that park in Islington, or when you helped me take in all that stuff to school, or you came to play the music for the play or that time you did the music for the chupah. It seems impossible inspite of these moments that you could love me with any sort of  internal depth.

Maybe you just liked having a girlfriend?

Maybe you just like having someone to tell off?

Maybe you loved me for a little while but you certainly don’t any more.

I have loved you since before Brighton, since you spoke to the children and talked about death and made me drink so much coffee and missed a plane to Amsterdam.

How can you claim to have had any feelings for me if you can walk not looking back and the love I get is from your relatives for explain how they miss me and what a shame they think this is.

I run in to every member of your family, I sit in the place I assume you will go and look out the window of the bus as it goes to Swiss Cottage….what are you doing and how could I possibly know.   

Poem 129- Skin

I wanted to love you forever.
I hoped to sit next to you until my vision turned grey.
I believed you were the only person I could possibly become an adult with.
My anger and tears of grief engulf you with hatred as I worked out you did not want any of these things.

I would have surrendered my time, my kidneys and my limbs to make you happy enough to love me in the same way.

As the days past since we loved and my hands remain cold and unheld I fight the urge to return to more of the same. To call and hear no apology. To speak and feel no words of care. To text and feel no connection from the person I emptied my soul for. To meet and feel only embarrassment for my zeal to shower you in affection.

I wanted you to be my skin, I wanted to be your person. I wanted to be loved in the same way I gave love to you but now I know this hope is a fallacy and nothing can repair it.

I ride through the despair, shocked by how many days its been and how little you seem to care.What happened to the feline cub I found in the summer who needed my love and care?